From the desk of Roland Rocchiccioli – 20 October

A fool and his money is soon parted! I should know, someone helped themselves to $1.6 million of mine!

However, in defence, mine was stolen by a first-rate conman. One of those people, who, if he devoted the same amount of energy and ingenuity to living his life on the right side of the law, would be a roaring success. Sadly, he has taking ways when it comes to other people’s hard-earned cash. He was so adroit he fooled two solicitors – mine and his – and managed to steal a terrace house from me. Coming to terms with the process of admission is difficult. Finally, I have come to a realisation: I was the culprit, not the victim. I allowed someone to steal my money, his brilliance notwithstanding. Without accepting personal responsibility, one never fully recovers and remains in constant danger of sinking into a slough of melancholia.

Then there are those who lose their money through vanity, silliness, and outright greed. It is difficult to conclude which is the more egregious of the human foibles. Regularly, one is subjected to the tedious bleating of those who having invested their life savings in an irresistible get-rich-quick scheme, only to discover a cunning charlatan has relieved them of every last cent! When will people learn? If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Greed leaves hapless victims in its unforgiving wake. Sometimes at the wrong of their lives they are unable to replenish the coffers, and are left facing a future of impecunity.

Next we come to those who go online looking for ‘love and romance’ in all the wrong places. I am not a hard-hearted Hurtle, but what are some people thinking when they send vast sums of money to a photograph (which is invariably a stolen identity) in a developing country? If that is not looking for trouble, I’ll go ‘he’ for hidey. How could anyone be so stupid; so gullible? As for the tales of woe: “My mother has cancer and I need money to pay for her medical expenses” – don’t be fooled. This is one of the most common ruses, and seemingly, it never fails.

To this, there is a cold, hard truth. Money is the only thing 20-year-old Godfred from Ghana, and 75-year-old Lurline from Leeton, have in common; and so long as there is a chance of fleecing her, he will pursue the romance.

Growing old is not for sissies. We all lose our charms in the end. You go to bed one night with your own body, and you wake-up with someone else’s. Everything has moved south. Occasionally, I catch sight of myself in the mirror and ask, “Who’s that old bloke?” A voice shouts back, “It’s you, you idiot!” It’s a sobering realisation.

Seriously, is Lurline from Leeton so deluded (or lonely) she really believes Godfred from Ghana (whose online photograph bears an uncanny resemblance to American supermodel, Jenry Bejarano) is madly in love with her cottage-cheese-like cellulite, her thickened girth, and her waist length boobs, coupled with all the other physical disintegration which comes with time? That is sheer madness. It’s certifiable.

As for geriatric Reg from Red Creek, whose only remaining hair sprouts from his nose and ears, and forms a moustache across his back, together with a beer gut which makes him look as if he is about to deliver, he is a silly old goat. His fantasy that 18-year-old Gloria from Ghana (who, judging by her picture, is obviously Naomi Campbell’s long-lost twin sister) is lusting after his loins is pathetic. These days, Ron is barely able to get his arm up, let alone anything else!

My advice is to wake-up; get a grip; stop the nonsense!

Roland can be heard every Monday morning – 10.30 – on radio 3BA and immediately deletes phishing scams sent to [email protected].