Finding calm and gratitude in reflection

MY mum passed away in late September and I took a few weeks leave around that time. It felt decidedly odd to take time off. As a business owner, I’m not familiar with taking leave.

It was obvious that I needed to be around while Mum was unwell and in and out of palliative care – which was an unforeseen emotional rollercoaster in itself. But after the funeral I felt helpless and even a little indulgent taking leave.

Uncharacteristically, I struggled to focus and get things done. And when I became disproportionately upset over a tiny thing I realised I wasn’t really my best self and not likely to do any role justice until I’d processed the emotions. Grief is something I’ve understood in theory, but I’ve been extremely fortunate to have limited experience.

I had a couple of weeks to reflect, which made me realise many things. Not least that I need to make more time to reflect.

Perspective arrived after a week or so, with its wise head and sense of calm. For all the issues flying around in the ether on socials, various other media and in conversations, it became very clear that nothing is more important than love and family.

My mother’s funeral was scheduled during lockdown restrictions and we are so lucky that our immediate family numbers no more than 10. We adapted our ceremony to the small group setting and Kings Funerals were faultless in their delivery of everything we needed. Businesses have become so clever and creative.

Perspective gave me the knowledge that no one will ever care quite as much about me or my sister as our mum did.

I fully appreciate that I am not the first person to lose a parent, but this was the first grandparent our children have lost. It was new territory all round and crafting the eulogy was the toughest writing gig I’ve faced. But it was an exquisite challenge.

Perspective also gave me insights into the heroes of the health system, particularly at Barwon Health, the foibles of records management, the cruel relentless progress of Alzheimer’s and the overwhelming love and skill provided by Portarlington Arcare and the angels who work in aged care.

A stunning contrast to the sadness is the feeling of gratitude to the wonderful people who specialise in dementia care. These steady humans who provide dignity and reassurance so seamlessly, patiently and kindly. And the palliative specialists who manage the most difficult conversations imaginable with a graceful combination of pragmatism and deep sensitivity.

Meanwhile, as though through a telescope, I watched the council achieve good things under the guidance of deputy mayor Trent Sullivan. I was able to view from relative distance the multitude of activities that flow through the City of Greater Geelong.

It was interesting to note the shifting dynamics of a city council without being in the thick of it. For all the criticism levelled at local government, it certainly knows how to grind, push on and keep ticking.

Taking a step back made it easier to see the issues that concerned people: a reason for deferring progress on the Ocean Grove footpaths and reassurance of a new date for the discussion, progress of the motocross facility that the council group actually hasn’t supported and, naturally, the response to the impacts of COVID-19.

These are issues of huge interest to locals and the answers are often simple, but sometimes when we’re ‘in the weeds’ we don’t explain as well as we could or as quickly as we should. There is such a thick forest of work and the councillors are so busy with the volume that sometimes a conversation is missed, or an explanation not shared.

I couldn’t help peeking at my emails on occasion. A few that stood out – given my situation – were the desperate messages pleading for help to see sick or dying parents overseas.

These requests were directed to the relevant authorities for consideration, but they certainly sat heavily with me and my reflections.

I am so grateful for the time allowed to farewell and honour my mother. Gratitude is a habit Mum passed on and one I am determined to keep alive. Thank you for your patience.

Cr Stephanie Asher,
Mayor, City of Greater Geelong