FROM THE DESK OF Roland Rocchiccioli

A story with a sting-in-the-tail which should make us all sit-up, and think!

THE Victorian state election is set-down for Saturday, 24 November to elect the 59th Parliament of Victoria, including all 88 seats in the Legislative Assembly, and all 40 in the Legislative Council. Never was there a more important election. Please do not waste your vote, and think seriously about your choice. I am reminded of the very famous actor who died and went to heaven.

He arrived at the Pearly Gates, and given his earthly fame, was met by Saint Peter and a retinue of assistants. Naturally, the actor was flattered by such attention, but was somewhat taken aback when Saint Peter explained that entry was not to be taken for granted. God had changed the rules, and admission was now based on consideration.

The great man went on to explain the mandatory procedure. Everyone, regardless of fame and fortune, was now required to spend five-days down below, and five days in Heaven, before making a decision about where they would spend their eternity. The first five-days, he explained, would be spent with Lucifer. Saint Peter pointed to the lift. The actor smiled, and stepped into the lift. The doors closed and in a nanosecond he arrived in Hell.

When the doors of the lift opened he was rendered mute by the most extraordinary panorama. It was spectacular, and finer than anything he had ever seen on earth. As far the eye could see there were rolling greens, most of which had been converted into golf courses and tennis courts. Each of the facilities had the most wonderful amenities where everyone gathered for drinks and refreshments. The place rang with laughter and merriment. No-one, it seemed, had a care in the world. They were living in a paradise and there was not a raging fire to be seen! The Dom Pérignon was flowing endlessly from crystal fountains, and there was an abundance of beluga caviar, shell fish, and every imaginable delicacy from the planet earth. To add to his enjoyment he met so many of his old chums – some of whom had been gathered-up years before.
Time passed in a blink. Reluctantly, at the end of the five days, he bade farewell. Lucifer took him to the lift and sent him back to Saint Peter and Heaven.

It took a little time but, eventually, he settled-in. For the next five-days the actor sat on his cloud and played a harp, or listened to the great celestial chorus, all of which had soloists who had been opera and musical theatre stars during their time on earth.

Heaven was quiet by comparison, with much time for private contemplation; to consider seriously what he had done on earth; the contribution he had made to society; his willingness, or lack thereof, to help those less fortunate. There was ample opportunity to contemplate his self-centredness, and his sometimes lack of regard for other people. To remember, and regret, the falsities he had perpetrated; the immorality of his life – the pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. All these things he considered, and wondered.

At the end of the five days the actor was, nervously, brought to meet Saint Peter. Following a friendly and general discussion, Saint Peter asked the actor if he had arrived at a decision.

The actor, despite his years of performance, was hesitant as he began to explain. He said that enjoyed Heaven immensely, but after such a disciplined life on earth with stage, film, radio, and television commitments, he hoped for a greater degree of liveliness in his eternity. Also, many of his closest chums were down below, and the five days had given him a chance to improve his golf. He was now playing of a handicap of three.

Saint Peter listened without judgement. He said he understood the decision, and while they were sad to see him go, they wished him well.

The actor took his leave, and the lift, back to Hell.

Lucifer was awaiting his arrival. When the doors of the lift opened he was dumbstruck. The wave of heat was overwhelming; the endless rolling greens had been replaced by an apocalyptic landscape. The people were now dressed in sackcloth and ashes; beating their breasts and wailing in abject hopelessness.

The actor turned to Lucifer in horror and asked what had happened. Where were the rolling greens, and the happy smiling people that he saw only five-days ago?

Lucifer smiled wryly. The explanation was simple: five days ago Lucifer was campaigning; yesterday the actor voted!
Roland can be heard each Monday morning on 3BA at 10.30am.

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